Breaking Through Barriers to Success

Have you ever wondered why you aren’t making progress in your goals? Maybe you are trying to learn a new skill or lose weight or save money. Every time you turn around, something “comes up” that puts you back a step. Maybe you just keep trying and nothing seems to help you make progress. Without a doubt, living in this seemingly endless struggle can be emotionally and physically exhausting. However, there is hope! You can take what I have learned over the past several years and find a way to overcome your “wall”.

Step One: Define Your Goals

Many times, when we begin to work toward achieving something, we neglect to set good goals. I’m not going to dig too far into this, because I already wrote about the process in another post that you can read HERE. Essentially, however, your goal needs to be S.M.A.R.T. This acronym stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time bound. (hint: step two can help you set better goals!)

Step Two: Find a Coach

Coaches are AMAZING! Sometimes it seems like we can just “YouTube” the answers to our questions and figure out how to make things work. Even that is a form of coaching. Someone who has done what you are attempting to accomplish is sharing their experience with you. The downside of that kind of coaching is that there is zero personal interaction. What we really need is a person in the same room with us (or at least on a zoom meeting). They can provide valuable outside input and encouragement when we need it most.

Step Three: Find a Community

Regardless of what goals you are trying to achieve, there are probably others who are also working on the same goal or something similar. Finding those people and connecting with them will help you (and them) to have support when your progress seems to be lagging. Now, if you are the only person in your peer group who is working on a specific goal, don’t let that stop you from asking others to help you! You will be surprised at the amount of help someone with different experiences can give you. If nothing else, having other people you are reporting to, will keep you accountable to succeed!

Step Four: Find a Rhythm

Accomplishing big goals generally takes a lot of time. It is easy to get bogged down or distracted from your goal. It has been said that it takes 90 days of consistent practice to build a permanent habit. Whether your goal is to stop doing something, or start something, or complete something, you are going to need to put both psychological and physical rhythms in place to help you. Trying to change everything overnight is virtually impossible without divine intervention. Instead, start by making small changes that become habits. Using something as simple as repeating a mantra before you start working on your goals each day can have immense long-term effects on your success.

Often, we look at the success of others around us and we think it is because they are simply “better” or “built differently”. However, the reality is, that most of those people are just like you and me. They had goals, and those goals grew and changed with them as their lives progressed. You are no different. You can accomplish truly great things! Anything worth doing is likely to take a lot of time and effort, but I can promise you that most (if not all) of the successful people you meet have followed the steps outlined above in order to achieve their aims. Take it from someone who has encountered a lot of barriers. Success isn’t born, it is made through simple powerful decisions that follow a predictable pattern. You CAN break through to success!

Life Is Pain?

Many years ago, I was introduced to a movie that has become somewhat of a cult classic. I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but there was one quote that has stuck with me. “Princess Bride” wasn’t terribly popular at the time it was released, but throughout the last 36 years it has continued to collect followers and is now frequently quoted by people of all ages. The movie starred an odd assortment of cast members including Cary Elwiss, Robin Wright, Andre Roussimoff, and Wallace Shawn. There was a comedic air to the entire film, but occasionally, the screen writer (William Goldman), would drop a nugget of wisdom that stuck out amongst the action and comedy of the film. I think that is one reason why the movie has been so popular through the years.

In an emotional scene where the two young protagonists are reunited, Elwiss’s character shouts,

               “Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says different is selling something.”

It seems obvious that such a quote would come from someone who has endured many hardships. To be sure, the character in question had certainly been through a lot. However, I venture to say that many people would be shocked to hear someone say something like that seriously. Our innate understanding is that life is supposed to be full of joy and pleasant experiences. Unfortunately, the reality is something very different. We ALL experience pain. Whether it be physical, mental, or emotional, pain is a part of our daily lives. While life itself isn’t defined as pain, no one goes through life without experiencing plenty of it. So, if we know that pain is coming, what should we do about it?

In my experience, there are a few primary ways to deal with pain:

1.        Avoid It at All Costs – This method may include hiding from any difficult situation that arises, trying to cover up any difficulty, or simply leaving every time pain peeks over the horizon of our life. Unfortunately, this method almost always leads to more pain for others and eventually ourselves. It’s like ignoring a splinter until it grows infected and requires medical intervention.

2.        Stuff It – This is similar to avoiding in that the person tries to make the pain disappear as quickly as possible by hiding the memory and emotional reaction from it deep in their consciousness. The downside is that they never deal with it until it becomes overwhelming and eventually destroys them or someone they love.

3.        Over-React – The person who does this, allows themselves to be overtaken by the emotional reaction to pain. Many times, this results in a complete inability to walk through the painful situation. They collapse into a puddle of fear and sadness or explode in anger and abuse. Neither of these reactions help them to achieve growth and both can cause more pain and difficulty for those around them.

4.         Accept the Inevitable – This reaction can tend a little more toward the healthy side, but without a second step, it becomes depressing and eventually causes the person to be unable to make progress. Pain is expected and disappointment becomes the status quo.

5.        Partner with the Pain – This is by far the healthiest of all the options discussed thus far. The individual who chooses this path understands that pain is going to come, and that they must endure it, but that they can also use it as motivation and education to make their lives more fulfilling and enjoyable.

The founder of Taekwondo, General Choi Hong Hi, is quoted as saying “Pain is a great teacher, but no one wants to attend his class”. If you are reading this, I can pretty much guarantee that you are old enough to have experienced some pain. Whether it is physical or emotional, pain is something we all deal with. The question is, what will you do with it? Will you allow it to destroy you, or will you accept it and allow yourself to learn from it?

Explained, But Not Excused

I recently listened to an audiobook by Gavin DeBecker called “The Gift of Fear”. It is a wonderful book full of advice on listening to our intuition and understanding the signals given by people around us. However, the most impactful statement I remember from it was this:

“Every human behavior can be explained by what preceded it,

but that doesn’t excuse it!”

It struck me as a great reminder of why we teach moral values along with martial arts skills. One without the other is a recipe for disaster.

For instance, if a student were only to learn combative skills such as punching, kicking, and throwing, they would have the ability to damage people who are less skilled than them. In fact, quite often, people who are naturally talented at fighting, but have no one to guide them, end up turning into bullies. The explanation for their actions is that they were taught (or learned on their own) how to fight, and they desired some resource. As a result, they acted using the tools at their disposal (i.e. violence) to acquire the resources from someone who did not have the same tools. It is simply a logical outworking of the given situation. I hope, however, that you can see how this type of behavior is ultimately destructive to both the violent and the abused parties. Not to mention society as a whole. With power comes responsibility.

In our particular dojang (martial arts school), we teach a foundation of the five tenets of Taekwondo. They are integrity, courtesy, self-control, perseverance, and indomitable spirit. In addition to these foundational values, we teach a number of other important guiding principles that help our students to make good life choices. These values are designed to act like bumpers on a bowling lane. They keep us from running our life into the gutter. No matter who you are, you will eventually end up in a situation where violence is one of the possible options for your current situation. However, if you are well-trained and practiced in the use of good values, you should be able to make a different decision.

In martial arts, we spend time drilling skills. We try to imagine a scenario and determine the best way to extricate ourselves from the situation with as little damage to our bodies as possible. How often do we do the same with our moral values? When was the last time you sat down and wrote out the values and principles that guide your life? Spending time analyzing situations and seeing how you could respond using your values is an enriching experience. We would all do well to take time to “practice” the values we claim!