“The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” – James of Jerusalem (appx AD 45)
Wow, isn’t that true? I remember one time in particular that my tongue took me in the wrong direction. I was in trouble for some small matter, and my father took me to my room and put me to bed. I was very angry, and as Dad walked out of my room I mumbled under my breath “Mom is stupid!” The sudden turn that my dad made told me right away that it was the WRONG thing to say. It took a minute for him to convince me to own up to what I said, but once I did…well, let’s just say the course of my life that evening was “set on fire”.
Admittedly, I deserved everything I got that evening, but sometimes we are innocent bystanders who are confronted by someone who is already angry and looking for an argument. Without a doubt, this is a situation where our tongues could easily set things on fire, and it might result in a physical altercation. How do we avoid escalating such a situation? Here are some tips that might help.
1. Stop and think
Most of us react pretty quickly when someone comes up to us with a chip on their shoulder. Our natural response is to take a defensive posture and tone and prepare for a verbal throw down. Unfortunately, this response takes your brain off the rails and sends it into a closed loop of “defense at all costs”. The absolute best thing you can do before responding to someone who is angry is to stop, take a breath, and consider the possible results of your words before you let them out of your mouth.
2. A soft answer…
Believe it or not, this saying has been around in various cultures for thousands of years. It isn’t just something your grandma said to make you feel bad about yelling at Cousin Tommy. Any time you are accosted by a verbally aggressive individual (yes, even family members), remember that saying something gently can help to bring the tone of the incident down to a manageable level. Of course, WHAT you say can still be a problem, even if you say it gently. Telling someone to go jump in the lake doesn’t have a good effect no matter how you say it. Instead, a soft answer should be something that empathizes with the aggressor and provides them a way to explain their feelings without further aggression. Something like “Wow, I can see that you are really upset by this. I’m sorry if I have offended you… can you tell me how to fix it?”
3. Put away the pride
Maintaining your personal image or pride is one of the best ways to escalate an argument. For instance, that guy on the bus is mad because you are sitting in “his” seat. You immediately feel that you have just as much right to that seat as he does! Of course you are right, but how much good will that do you when his fist puts a dent in your cheek? Not much. Consider what is worth fighting over, your pride may tell you one thing, but a seat really isn’t anything worth getting into trouble over. Use a soft answer, put away your pride, and find a different seat. It will be better for everyone in the long run.
4. Laugh with them
Occasionally, you may run into a situation that can be diffused with a bit of humor. Don’t be afraid to make a joke, but make sure that the offender isn’t the brunt of the joke. Refer to tip three and make yourself the target of the joke. This has a tendency to make the potential attacker feel comfortable and in control.
The first principle of self-defense is to avoid a fight whenever possible. I hope these four tips will help you to apply that principle and keep yourself out of a physical incident that can be avoided. Stay Safe!